We all know that listening to others’ feedback is important. But if that is true, why do we hesitate in giving feedback and resist in accepting them at times?
Our Universal Need for Acceptance
Humanity has evolved with several distinct advantages over other animals, several of which are communication and collaboration. With our species heavily reliant on social circles or ‘tribes’ to get by, we are hardwired to desire love and acceptance. But when it comes to feedback, we will naturally experience rejection and hurt to varying degrees.
That is because experiencing rejection or disapproving faces will activate the same neural pathways as physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003).
Remember how you took offence to feedback a close friend told you about? Or maybe just apathetic about corrections from your teacher? Maybe it was a glaring mistake that your spouse has told you to fix? Ouch!
Biologically Speaking
Our amygdala in our brains regulate emotional responses to such situations. We feel the hurt and become defensive because feedback or criticism can be taken as rejection or a threat to our personality, actions or behaviour. In the days of our ancestors, rejection and being an outcast is the equivalent of a death sentence. The privilege an individual is used to, such as access to resources and food, are stripped away as social circles hold the keys to various resources. In the modern corporate context, the same feeling towards feedback and rejection stands as well. While we do feel the initial pinch from feedback, how we respond to it will speak volumes of our character and personality.
Feedback Gone Wrong
Feedback often begins with an observation on behaviour, but that alone can often be misleading. Like it or not, a person expressing his feedback or opinion is always tinted with his own personality and biases. In fact, negative feedback based on a person’s outward behaviour alone can be especially damaging. We might have been misunderstood as the person ‘with an attitude issue,’ or the person regarded as having ‘poor attention to detail.’
Furthermore, when such feedback is not communicated with finesse and tact, any implementation of training becomes ineffective as the individual is not engaged.
You have probably come across many approaches to handling negative feedback. What sets one approach apart from another is the underlying rationale. The techniques come later.
Psychologically Speaking
In this 3-step Approach to effectively handling feedback, we activate its potential when we reconcile with the fact that none of us sets out to fail, even the feedback giver. Most are unaware that what is perceived as weakness, could be due to a lethal combination of strengths that trigger negative behaviour under stressful conditions.
For example, a boss may be frustrated why a high-performing staff who usually relates to his/her team tactfully and takes prompt action to surmount challenges, could become overly forceful to people and task-oriented when under time pressure to complete an important task.
You may have witnessed or experienced a frustrated feedback giver who lashed out at you for something you had or had not done. You are in shock. This is not the time to respond yet. Release the hurt and anger inside you first. There are no rules here, so long it is not directed towards people, as that only worsens the matter. When your heart and mind are sufficiently at ease, you are ready to tackle the following:
1. Clarify your understanding of what was said with empathy and respect
Remember to observe and listen when to he feedback giver, as he is likely a victim of circumstance. Your actions affect him in one way or another. Recognising this does not justify his emotional outburst but it simply prepares you to respond to the encounter professionally, with empathy and respect. You could say: “I know you are stressed by the situation and you don’t mean to insult me. I believe what you are actually saying is…” This helps relieve the tension and steer the conversation to a less accusatory tone, leading to a more productive outcome.
2. Ask questions to understand the other party’s expectation of you
Often, frustration arises due to a misalignment of expectations between the feedback giver and recipient. Worse still, these expectations are not communicated. To clear the air, you could say: “What do you suggest I could have done specifically to make things work?” Such question brings clarity and also helps both you and the feedback giver to focus on the problem rather than the person. However, this does not mean committing to meet every expectation laid out, which we as discerning people know, are not always realistic. This step serves to constantly remind both parties on respect and clarity.
3. Admit mistakes / Give explanation to overcome misunderstanding & focus the conversation on what each party can do to improve
If it is indeed a problem area you have identified, be courageous to admit your mistake. Pride is about who is right, but humility is about what is right. However if it was due to a misunderstanding, you could say: “From what you have said, I can see that you are not aware of … so let me explain what exactly have happened…Then let each one of us suggest an action for improving our coordination to keep the work going smoothly. Will that be what you are prepared to do together?” This not only brings clarity of the situation from your point of view, but proposing what actions can be taken together fosters teamwork and reinforcement on finding solutions instead of accusations.
That being said, this 3-step approach is not a rigid rule. Feel free to adapt accordingly as an art, taking into account variables like the nature of the issue at hand and whether it has to do with a person’s attitude or ability, time constraint, background etc.
Beyond External Feedback
Even for those who take pride in being introspective, the underlying mechanisms that are taking place in their minds remain a mystery to behold. Unfortunately, research has shown that people prefer to rely on their own interpretations, even when introspections do not provide relevant or accurate information. This phenomenon is known as the introspection illusion (Cherry, 2019).
This raises the question of whether observation is a reasonable basis to assess a person. Some suggest combining observations by others with those that we make of ourselves to provide richness in our understanding. This helps to some extent – where observations by others may validate certain observations that we had made of ourselves, or bring to our awareness possible blind spots.
For a complete and representative approach, some organisations go the extra mile to combine observations by self and others, with the administration of psychometric tests on personality profiles. They equip them with a sharper and deeper understanding of the underlying root causes and behavioural effects of people issues. It is also important to ensure that these tests are validated and backed by scientific testing, not making pre-mature judgments about a person. Neither do we want tests that describe every profile with excessive compliments regardless of their scores.
References:
Cherry, K. (2019). Introspection in Psychology. Retrieved from Very Well Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-introspection-2795252
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science, pp. 290-292, Vol. 302, Issue 5643. Retrieved from Pub Med
3-Steps to Effectively Handle Feedback
We all know that listening to others’ feedback is important. But if that is true, why do we hesitate in giving feedback and resist in accepting them at times?
Our Universal Need for Acceptance
Humanity has evolved with several distinct advantages over other animals, several of which are communication and collaboration. With our species heavily reliant on social circles or ‘tribes’ to get by, we are hardwired to desire love and acceptance. But when it comes to feedback, we will naturally experience rejection and hurt to varying degrees.
That is because experiencing rejection or disapproving faces will activate the same neural pathways as physical pain (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003).
Remember how you took offence to feedback a close friend told you about? Or maybe just apathetic about corrections from your teacher? Maybe it was a glaring mistake that your spouse has told you to fix? Ouch!
Biologically Speaking
Our amygdala in our brains regulate emotional responses to such situations. We feel the hurt and become defensive because feedback or criticism can be taken as rejection or a threat to our personality, actions or behaviour. In the days of our ancestors, rejection and being an outcast is the equivalent of a death sentence. The privilege an individual is used to, such as access to resources and food, are stripped away as social circles hold the keys to various resources. In the modern corporate context, the same feeling towards feedback and rejection stands as well. While we do feel the initial pinch from feedback, how we respond to it will speak volumes of our character and personality.
Feedback Gone Wrong
Feedback often begins with an observation on behaviour, but that alone can often be misleading. Like it or not, a person expressing his feedback or opinion is always tinted with his own personality and biases. In fact, negative feedback based on a person’s outward behaviour alone can be especially damaging. We might have been misunderstood as the person ‘with an attitude issue,’ or the person regarded as having ‘poor attention to detail.’
Furthermore, when such feedback is not communicated with finesse and tact, any implementation of training becomes ineffective as the individual is not engaged.
You have probably come across many approaches to handling negative feedback. What sets one approach apart from another is the underlying rationale. The techniques come later.
Psychologically Speaking
In this 3-step Approach to effectively handling feedback, we activate its potential when we reconcile with the fact that none of us sets out to fail, even the feedback giver. Most are unaware that what is perceived as weakness, could be due to a lethal combination of strengths that trigger negative behaviour under stressful conditions.
For example, a boss may be frustrated why a high-performing staff who usually relates to his/her team tactfully and takes prompt action to surmount challenges, could become overly forceful to people and task-oriented when under time pressure to complete an important task.
You may have witnessed or experienced a frustrated feedback giver who lashed out at you for something you had or had not done. You are in shock. This is not the time to respond yet. Release the hurt and anger inside you first. There are no rules here, so long it is not directed towards people, as that only worsens the matter. When your heart and mind are sufficiently at ease, you are ready to tackle the following:
1. Clarify your understanding of what was said with empathy and respect
Remember to observe and listen when to he feedback giver, as he is likely a victim of circumstance. Your actions affect him in one way or another. Recognising this does not justify his emotional outburst but it simply prepares you to respond to the encounter professionally, with empathy and respect. You could say: “I know you are stressed by the situation and you don’t mean to insult me. I believe what you are actually saying is…” This helps relieve the tension and steer the conversation to a less accusatory tone, leading to a more productive outcome.
2. Ask questions to understand the other party’s expectation of you
Often, frustration arises due to a misalignment of expectations between the feedback giver and recipient. Worse still, these expectations are not communicated. To clear the air, you could say: “What do you suggest I could have done specifically to make things work?” Such question brings clarity and also helps both you and the feedback giver to focus on the problem rather than the person. However, this does not mean committing to meet every expectation laid out, which we as discerning people know, are not always realistic. This step serves to constantly remind both parties on respect and clarity.
3. Admit mistakes / Give explanation to overcome misunderstanding & focus the conversation on what each party can do to improve
If it is indeed a problem area you have identified, be courageous to admit your mistake. Pride is about who is right, but humility is about what is right. However if it was due to a misunderstanding, you could say: “From what you have said, I can see that you are not aware of … so let me explain what exactly have happened…Then let each one of us suggest an action for improving our coordination to keep the work going smoothly. Will that be what you are prepared to do together?” This not only brings clarity of the situation from your point of view, but proposing what actions can be taken together fosters teamwork and reinforcement on finding solutions instead of accusations.
That being said, this 3-step approach is not a rigid rule. Feel free to adapt accordingly as an art, taking into account variables like the nature of the issue at hand and whether it has to do with a person’s attitude or ability, time constraint, background etc.
Beyond External Feedback
Even for those who take pride in being introspective, the underlying mechanisms that are taking place in their minds remain a mystery to behold. Unfortunately, research has shown that people prefer to rely on their own interpretations, even when introspections do not provide relevant or accurate information. This phenomenon is known as the introspection illusion (Cherry, 2019).
This raises the question of whether observation is a reasonable basis to assess a person. Some suggest combining observations by others with those that we make of ourselves to provide richness in our understanding. This helps to some extent – where observations by others may validate certain observations that we had made of ourselves, or bring to our awareness possible blind spots.
For a complete and representative approach, some organisations go the extra mile to combine observations by self and others, with the administration of psychometric tests on personality profiles. They equip them with a sharper and deeper understanding of the underlying root causes and behavioural effects of people issues. It is also important to ensure that these tests are validated and backed by scientific testing, not making pre-mature judgments about a person. Neither do we want tests that describe every profile with excessive compliments regardless of their scores.
References:
Cherry, K. (2019). Introspection in Psychology. Retrieved from Very Well Mind: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-introspection-2795252
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An FMRI study of social exclusion. Science, pp. 290-292, Vol. 302, Issue 5643. Retrieved from Pub Med